I am black

you are white

I am day

and you are night

but we meet at sunsets

no regrets.

time is precious

and with you it ticks too quickly

without you the hands move

so slowly.

my missing piece to my puzzle,

my favorite song,

why did meeting you have to take so long?

you are every smile and laugh

thousands of memories i have

for my ‘past’

be my future, be my now

ask me to survive without you

and i would say ‘how?’

you are love and very addicting

a habbit i do not plan on quitting

i am hooked and an adict

don’t find an antidote i wont have it

you are my burried treasure i have found,

and like a greedy pirate i don’t plan to share

i found you fair and square

you are mine and i am yours

this story is just beginning,

i believe we will have a ‘happy ending’

I hope that this is true,

i can’t picture a life without you.

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20…

August 28, 2006

My birthday came and went. It was probably the best one I have ever had.Well aside from the one i had when i was 8 with the pony rides,jump delight, and clowns.

For once nothing went bad lol. Every year my birthday has basically been shit. nothing ever happens. everyone forgets it or no one cares. But this year, well this year someone cared and it made me feel sooooooooo good.

i got everything i could ask for. I got dinner,a cake, presents, and i am someone’s fiance’ now. lol that word still feels funny to me. i’m not used to it. it makes me smile like an idiot when i say it though lol.

I feel content with the way things are going. am i moving too fast? i don’t think so. i know what i want. Atleast this is one thing i am sure about. i may be uncertin about a few things but not this.

am i scared? a little. i will addmit that. why am i scared? because it would be a very big life changing event. but i think once i get past the gitters of it i’ll be fine.do i have doubts? no. Just nerves i guess you could call them.

my mom wants to move out already. i’m not sure how i feel about that. im worried about her being on her own and all, but i have to remember that i’m starting my life, and im not a little girl anymore. i have to let go of her just like she does me. god it scares me so much to acctually ‘let go’. i’m trying to already, so it wont be so bad when it acctually comes time to do it.

Im 20, and i’m scared to not live with my mom anymore lol. im pathetic i guess. it reminds me of my first day of kindergarden, and how i cried so bad when she left me. i was always a cry baby ‘anytime’ she left me. especially when i went out of town with out her when i was 9. Blahh, but you know what? I think i’ll be okay.

No one ever loved me as much as my mom did, but i think now someone does. and that’s a lot of love. but you know what? I love him just as much, that’s why i’m not so paranoid about all this. I know things will be okay.

Joel : I wish i could have given you more time, but i was tired of playing games.

Kyle: you showed me what punk music was, thank you for that, but that is the only thing i miss about you.

Jimmy: Something I thought I wanted, but you were never really serious about us. I learned that lesson the hard way, and because of that I can’t forgive you.

Eric: We were really good friends, until you fucked my friend :).

Raul: You loved yourself more than anyone in this world, and I feel sorry for you.

Daniel: What was I thinking? To be honest I was just lonely, and you never made a move. I got bored sorry.

Robert: I hate you the most. You played with me and made me believe that you really cared about me, but the reality was you were just looking for someone until you made up with your girlfriend, and you still have the nerve to try to call me afterwards.Your band sucks, I’m not impressed at all.

Andrew: I’m not your fuck buddy or groupie. Find somone elses time to waste.PS. your band sucks ass.

Manny: Where do I begin? You wouldn’t even kiss me. Nor did you really want to spend a lot of time with me. I wanted someone who really loved me. You never even tried.

Rene: I REALLY liked you. Your drum playing was amazing and your taste in music was addicting, but shots of jose quervo, only led us to your room. You never wanted anything else. I did enjoy it while it lasted, but like i said, you just wanted a good fuck. so with that i say fuck you. im sure you’ve already found other girls to fuck with.

Kasey: Black outs,silly leather jackets, punk shows, photography class, accoustic music….why did you have to teach me so much but then take so much away from me?  Thanks for the good times and the friends, but you’re not welcome for the time i wasted on you. Where are you now? cashing in change at coinstar. people need to grow up sometimes, you never will.

7 Days

August 15, 2006

7 days till my b-day 🙂 yay. So i’ve been doing a lot of thinking…and I’ve realized that I have screwed around enough in life already. I’ve decided that I do want to go to school. It’s so hard though because I’m not 100% sure what I want to do.

I’m thinking about just taking a marketing class and some english and literautre, writing. But marketing has a lot to do with numbers and i really suck at math :(. I don’t know i just know i want to do something intresting. I don’t want to be that person that works in an office with a boring job. I want my job to be fun. I was also thinking about graphic designs, or advertisment.

But I also want to keep writing as an important part of my life. I love to write and I would hate to waste it. I would hate to know that I had an itch to always write but that I never did anything with that talent, but I also have a very creative streak and huge intrest in promotion. Personal Relations and all that. See my dilemma? I teeter with it all the time. I want to get the ball rolling, but it’s so hard when i dont know which direction to roll it.

I can’t depend on other people to pick for me. All my life I have been so dependable on other people. It was rare that I was independent. This year though I have achieved a lot of things on my own. I met every goal i set aside for myself at the beginning. The first being my license, the second my high school diploma, and the third one, to find someone that i could truely love with all my heart.

I have been burned so many times in my life. I’ve been used for one night stands, a month of fun, and just someone to make out with. I hate musicians, but I don’t. It’s funny but it’s not cause I have been with a whole band. Not litterally, I’ve just been with a guy who was a bass player, then I was with someone who played the guitar in another band, a drummer who loved MXPX, and finally a lead singer who was one of my best friends until he screwed me over. You would think I would have learned my lesson after the first two. It finally took the last one to make me realize that though they are sweet and though they fit the ‘scene’, all of them are the same. They are cocky and they think they can lay anyone they want. I realized that I was only attracted to the way they looked on the outside…their clothes, hair, and the fact that they played an instument. I will always have a soft spot for all the musician’s i have encountered in my life, because without them I would have never discovered this ‘scene’ that i love so much. But then at the same time I will hate them, because of how bitter they made me.

I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore. I was tired of being used. I wanted someone I knew I could see myself with for more than just a few weeks. I wanted a person who would laugh at my stupid jokes, and who could make me laugh. someone who would enjoy going to concerts with me, and who would love my music just as much as me. And you know what? This person was right under my nose the whole time. It only took me a few months to realize this.

A Better Fuck…

August 11, 2006

I HATE when the bands i love gain fame. I hate it not because of all the great oppertunities they get but because of all the fucking gay ‘wannabe fans’ that follow with them. Like those little kids who only love them because they’re ‘hot’. They may listen to the music but they don’t REALLY listen to it. They don’t even know who writes the songs. I’m talking about P!ATD. Just so you know. All these fucking girls are swooning over the lead singer and saying he’s so awesome cause of the songs he sings. They’re gay because that’s all he does is SING the songs. Just because a person sings a song doesnt mean they WROTE it. Fucking idiots. You think they would realize this being that FOB is a great example of singer VS song writter. Why is it SO cool to ‘know’ Pete Wentz? Pete doesn’t give a fuck if you have his poster on ur wall or how hot you think he is. All he wants is for you to LISTEN to what he has to say. The same with Ryan from P!ATD. The little shit is like my age and he writes these amazing lyrics. I’m jealous of him lol. They deserve every great thing that comes their way, but what good was it to write these songs if people don’t really LISTEN to them? All they do is stare at them because ‘OMG PETE Is so HAWT<33’ or “OMG BRENDON IS SO SEXY”. I hate teenyboppers. I was listening to these bands before they even got a music video on TV. Especially Panic!. Ask anyone I know. I used to talk about them and people would say ‘who?’ now it’s like ‘oh!’ I’m pissed that they picked Lying is the Most Fun…as a single, because it is a great song and will get ruined by the stupidness of the media, but the video was a fantastic idea. I’m done. I feel better now. 🙂

Dilapidating…

August 10, 2006

So this is the second blog entry.Oh God :(. I am so…worried I guess you could say. Maybe even a little scared. Like I said in my last post, i wish my life outside of my relationship with my boyfriend were just as sweet as my life is when I am with him. It is weird to say but really not so much so when you think about. When I’m with him all my problems are gone for the time we are together. Nothing matters. He just makes me smile and I can’t help but forget everything that worries me. But when I’m not with him and I have time to think about my problems, it just depresses me beyond words.

I have a lot of home problems.

Well my mom is having a lot of problems right now with her job. It is a fact that she will lose this job eventually, because well ever since she had surgery on her arm she just can’t do her job the way she used to, and they have noticed, so they keep hinting that they are trying to get her to quit so they wont have to fire her, but if she doesn’t quit on her own they will fire her. It’s so hard…she would go from making $500 every two weeks to only $500 a month. The only thing she will be able to pay is the house payment.

We already lost our cable…the next thing we are losing is our house phone. I think they are going to cut it off sometime next week.

I don’t know what to do really. I have two jobs but I was so stupid and got myself in debt and now i have to pay off all my cards that i got. I never have enough money for anything. Plus i hate my second job with a passion. I can’t quit now. But how i can i help her if i can’t even help myself? ughh i’m so stressed out 😦 I’ve been this way since last night. I hate when he leaves me. But I know i can;t always depend on him because he is his own person and he has a life outside of me like i do him. fuck.fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. that’s all i can really think to say.

When they cut off the phone the only we’ll have left is the electric. yay for us. This is so hard. There’s so many things going through my mind right now i can’t even think.

I need an escape 😦 a release. i want to just get away from my problems right now. Good thing monica gets out at 3….

blahh

August 10, 2006

soo i never use this thing. why? i dunno cause i’m boring?who knows. anyways my b-day is in…13 days..wow the big 2-0. i feel old 😦 but in a sense i don’t. in a sense i feel like maybe my life is just starting know what i mean? it’s weird, i’m old enough to buy porn but still not old enough to drink yet. and i’ve always been waiting to be ‘old enough’ to just be old enough to do anything. i still feel like a baby in a way because of that. i look at this year coming up of where i get to be 20 for a whole 12 months and i think…wow this is the last year i can be ‘little’. after this birthday the next one will be the one that i have always waited for. that sounds cheesy but it’s true. all my life everyone has always been older than me. i always got excluded from things cause i was ‘too young’. but what am i talking about? i still have 12 months to enjoy being 20. but the sad thing is that i wont be a teenager anymore. as much as i just said that i have been waiting to be old enough a part of me wishes i could stay like this always. no one ever really wants to grow up. i would like to sometimes. i think about it a lot. how nice it would be to just start a life. i know right now i pretty much am carefree. there are so many things i wish i could do before i just settle down. i see old friends all the time and they bring back so many great memories, like the time the power went out at the beach club apts. and all we had were candles, hookah, and great accoustic music. i miss those friends sometimes. i miss the music and the laughing and the talks. the pool hall and the breezeway after school. photography class…ramones and the clash. and silly black leather jackets. i saw a familure face today that is why all this stuff is coming back to me. someone who used to be a good friend and maybe a little more than that at times. i wont get into that though. I think of all this stuff and then i think of where i am now…and i’m very happy that i have someone in my life who is every bit as wonderful as i could ever ask for. i lived a pretty fast life before, and some of the people and things i did i’m not very proud of, and i wish i could erase them, but they say what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. i learned a lot from those people. but those people also took a lot from me. my respect for guys was very slim for a very long time. i had a trust issue, and a fear of being ‘left alone’ after awhile. I don’t have that fear anymore. i am very happy with my 8 month relationship. Everything around it is perfect. i love him so much that it hurts! i have never loved anyone this way. i thought i did, but the longer i went into this relationship the more i realized that everything i had before could never compare to what i have now. i wish the world i live outside of this relationship felt just as sweet. i’m scared that i’m never going to amount to anything. i’m so confused as to what i want to do with my life, and so paranoid that i will never change. i don’t want to be doing the same thing i am now 2 years from now. but i also don’t know what type of career i would be good at. i have so many ‘desires’ and so many ‘dreams’ it’s hard to pick one.And it’s hard to pick a good stable one. I don’t want to be the girl who did nothing with her life. I want to be someone who did something ‘good’. Something to be proud of. It’s rare that people are ever proud of me. There are sooo many things i want to do, and so many things i have already done, but I’m not finished yet. I’m afraid I will be that person who has like 10 kids and then have them ask me what great things i did when i was young and me say…nothing. I know i have a few good stories, but i want more. i want them to tell their kids of all the things i did. i know one day i wont be around anymore and that scares me like you would not believe, but i know that i don’t want to be the one who never achieved anything. i know i am supposed to do something great with my life. i can feel it. i’ve met so many people and i have a lot of talents. I may only be 20, but i’m scared i wont figure out what my purpose in this world is. This post is really long lol. Anyway I could go on forever but I wont so I’m stopping the post now. I feel a lot better.

Everything

August 10, 2006

There are many words to say

but to say them all would take

more than a day

just know that i am happy

in this world there is hardly

anything lacking

don’t worry about impressing

it’s already been achieved

don’t worry about what you wear

i promise i wont care

everything i’m feeling

i’m not afraid to share

there’s nothing left to hide

i’ve swallowed all my pride

stored it away in a box

somewhere tucked behind

my socks

i am an open book

yours for the taking

read me up and down

rip out all the chapters titled “doubt”

those you can throw out

i need no more convincing

you are everything

i’ve been missing…

Wrote this For YoU part II….

Its hard to tell what I feel
I’m not sure yet if it’s real
I know I miss you now
When I never did before
It’s weird these things I can’t ignore
I’m afraid of you being another mistake
Something my heart just can’t take
What do you feel?
I can’t tell yet
Are we just friends?
Or destined to be more so many questions
I can’t ignore
Do you see me in the same light?
Do you ever think about me
when you’re alone at night?
Sometimes I wish I knew you were
It scares me how I’m letting myself fall
I’m unsure if I should risk it all
So many mixed signals are thrown at me
causing me to wonder if this is meant to be
I want you no doubt in my mind but do you want me?
You’re feelings, I can’t define

I’ve written this over a hundred times in my head

I’ve repeated it over two hundred times outloud

These words I need you to know

I’m afraid to addmit how I feel

Because I’m afraid you already know

I’m not sure if you feel that way too

I know hurting is something you’re no stranger to

But neither am I

We may seem completely different but we’re not

100% opposites

I’m not what I seem to be

If you just gave me a chance I could show you

that this fast life I love knows how to be toned down

I’d do it just for you

I know there’s an image you’ve painted of me

of what you think I am

I can assure you that’s not completely accurate either

Maybe you’re afraid of me hurting you

But trust me that’s something I’d never do

Like I said

I’ve dealt with hurt too

I wonder if you even know that this is for you

If me writing this is even worth it

Will you ever know?

You’re afraid to open up I can see that

But so am I

Being used and abused is my specialty

Ask anyone of my mistakes from the past

I’ve never been in love and thats a fact

I don’t know what you have and haven’t done

No one’s perfect in this tilted world

I’m just asking for a minute a second whatever I can have

For you to see me for who and what

I really am